Your Better Half 

Special Holiday Consultant

Christmas shopping rule  number one, guys: Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make “housework” easier. 

For example, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on TV that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything from an infomercial. One allowed choice is a new dishwasher with a silent wash cycle. (Makes cleaning up after stuffing your face much more peaceful.)

2. Likewise, avoid gifting her any bulk cleaning supplies. “Honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting.” “This Windex should last you a while.” “I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner.” All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet that you were eying in Kmart.

3. Any gadgetry sharp objects which slices or dices, or a set of Amway knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a “night out with the boys.”

4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. “Honey, I’m sure you’ll get a lot of use out of this nifty new drill.” By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a present like this, you probably won’t be around for NEXT Christmas.

5. Avoid any lingerie made of flannel, such as “Snuggie” pajamas, or cutesy cartoon character nightgowns. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the beautiful woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria’s Secret. Do it now – you can thank me later.

6. No-name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like it sounds: bathroom, moldy fruit, and your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for a brand name.

7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them, you know.) 

8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman’s clothing. Believe me, she’ll smile and say it’s beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, “Where the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?” 

An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you may think your golfing outfit looks just fine). It’s a known fact to the rest of the world that plaids+ stripes is a taboo. In the Northeast, that’s like wearing white after Labor Day.

9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to “Do these pants make me look fat?” If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn’t get it and purchases a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.

10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on “How Not to Actually Look Your Age.” These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it, and just may stand up in a court of law.